I am now posting primarily to HolySmokeOnTheWater.com because its structure is better suited to my rambling interests: theology, Christianity, my opinions, snippets of what I am reading and hearing,… NotesFromTheMargins.wordpress.com is where I put the dialogues I have with people. I will continue to post items addressing Teachable Moments here. Please join me on these other sites. I miss you.
Thank you. Catherine (Kitsy) Stratton.
Yesterday’s devotional mentioned the Jesus Prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” It reminded me of a time during my darkest days of bipolar despair when I had to force myself to even consider making an effort; I managed to get myself out of the house and walk. It was more like plodding but I recited the Jesus Prayer under my breath like a mantra. I remember inhaling “Lord Jesus Christ” exhaling “Son of God” inhaling “have mercy on me” exhaling “a sinner.”
This was during the time when family came to visit; the rabbits ran loose in the house unfed and fending for themselves; there was no clear floor space; I could barely get myself to work….or was I still working? I don’t remember those years clearly but I do remember quite clearly my sister’s exclamation, “You’re out of control!” I also remember my un-vocalized reply, “no shit; you think?” I had no one helping me. I was on the wrong medication, my therapist was bored with me and of no help, and I was in such deep despair, I had no clue what to do, and no desire to do anything. Getting my shoes on to walk was huge. Reciting the prayer was like small drops of cool water to a parched throat.
This walking prayer was one of several efforts of mine through those years to reconnect with God and to find divine help. Thinking about this, I became aware of an interesting bit of trivia: 40 years had passed between my giving in to an adulterous affair in November of 1976, (I was tired of being good) to a year ago when I consented to my spiritual growth “no matter the cost.” 40 years had passed…almost to the day. Those 40 years were hard, and I believe all of it (hard times and efforts to reconnect) have played into my being where I am now…but during those years, I felt completely abandoned if not rejected by God.
Truly, I spent 40 years in darkness, but I kept trying. There were times I wanted to give up and take the short cut home, but I never gave myself over to retaliating or being a mean or spiteful person. I continued to always try to do the right thing whether or not it was being rewarded or my despair relieved.
It took 40 years, but I finally figured out the benefits of completely giving up everything…everything from possessions, resentments, anger, agendas, aspirations, reputations, pride, vanity, even feeling good about my writing and my efforts to help others.
Then I found out that there is a word for that: Kenosis. It is a Greek word describing the process of giving up the stuff of one’s life…everything that a person identifies with or clings to. Jesus talked about this process all the time. In fact, his consenting to die on the cross was the ultimate giving up. I eventually saw that to follow Jesus means to do the same…to let go of all of it to remove all distractions and shades from having clear awareness of God. And it works.
When I was a teenager, I prayed fervently for the Wisdom so highly prized in Scripture and for a mastery of words with which to help and heal others. I have wanted the satisfaction of being a healer. Well, I am a healer now…and more; I am all of it. I am God…at least that is what remains when I get rid of all of my attachments…including my attachment to being a healer. I may not be able to fully and completely enter the Kingdom of Heaven because of my transgressions 40 years ago, but like Moses, God has repeatedly “used me as a channel of divine grace, guidance and power.”
(I have borrowed the image and wisdom from beloved friend, Fr Austin Rios: The Promised Land
The culture that is instilled and nurtured within the Clemson Football program is able to spread throughout the NFL (and everywhere else in the world) because it is a living thing and is backed and supported by The living thing…Christ.
Deshaun Watson is a student of that culture and continues to study and do the work of that culture because it lives in him.
Christ lives in Deshaun. Christ was instilled in Deshaun probably before he was born. Christ has been kept involved in Deshaun’s life through the love of Deshaun’s mother and the coaching of Dabo Swinney. Christ is invited, welcomed, and received in all aspects of the Clemson Football program and is recognized and acknowledged at each step of the way. Christ spreads through the Clemson Nation.
If I have any sway, I will keep Christ involved in Dashaun’s life and the Clemson program through my prayers because that’s how it is done.
By the way, another word used for this presence is Love. It is spread and emmanates through the love shared among the players and coaches and in the way the young men are taught, advised, and coached along. In truth, this Love is The Reason for the coaching, in the first place.
The battles and challenges in life are for spiritual growth; it is for all of us. Young men can learn this and can face these battles on the streets…or they can make this spiritual journey on the football field. I’ll take pads and helmets and the risk of injury over guns and drugs with the risk of so much worse, any day.
This is what the Clemson Culture is about: winning the game.
In that winning, these young men win the battles and challenges that strengthen their souls, hone their skills in facing obstacles and hardships, and clarify their vision and practice of Fierce Love.
The love instilled and nurtured in these young men might look soft at times…like in the gentle and tender way Deshaun gave his income to the cafeteria workers, but make no mistake: The Love of the Clemson Culture is Fierce…and that is the nature of the love which is required in our world today.
I have not always appreciated the value and merit of my hard life. But with 20/20 hindsight, I can see that God has been answering my prayers…all along the way. I find myself now in a place of honor.
The beauty is that I can stand toe-to-toe with scientists, professionals, bureaucrats, and managers; I have been all those things. I can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with single mothers, divorced women, abusive / neglectful parents, persecuted Christians, even the promiscuous because I have been them. Now, I can look in the eyes of customers who are missing teeth, wear worn-out clothing, and are buying cheap food with EBT cards and show them ‘knowing love’ and compassion; my smile is genuine. I can sit with patience as the crippled man and the one with slow speech get to the parts of their stories where the true deep wisdom of life comes out. I am one with them because I am truly one of them. The ‘crazy’ woman in the doctor’s office is no different from me except that she is at a bad place in her illness and is unmedicated.
To be no better off than anyone around me is a truly privileged place to be. I am never embarrassed by their poverty or uncomfortable with their conditions. I sit easy in the DSS or Social Security offices because I belong there. Jesus was able to break bread with the tax collectors and prostitutes because He was one with God. For me, though, it took a lifetime of abuse, neglect, mistreatment, and illness. But I had prayed for that…sort of.
When I was a teenager, I prayed for the wisdom that scripture said was so valuable. I also prayed to have a mastery of words so that I might be able to heal and to help people understand life and to get along. Then I forgot that I had prayed for all of this. Thank God, God did not forget.
So, here I am. God has been answering my prayers for the past 61.8 years. And God is not done with me yet.
All of my life, I have carried rhetorical questions around on my shoulders like a yoke:
Why did my parents resent that I was not a boy and repeatedly set me up for shame and rejection when I was young?
Why was I born with bipolar disorder?
Why did my husband not love me?
Why have I not been able to support myself with my God-given talents?
Why was I not appreciated by my co-workers and managers during my 22-year career and forced to retire in disgrace?
I now know why.
Had I not been raised with neglect and abuse, I would not have learned to watch the signs and I would not have needed the kind of spiritual healing that has enabled me to release wounds, scars, and resentments and be open to God.
Had I not suffered with mental illness, I would not have the patience and understanding I now have for others who suffer in such a way…nor would I have an appreciation for the gifts of such an illness.
Had I not been left to raise two babies on my own, I would not be as strong as I am now or as compassionate toward other single mothers. Had I remained married, I would probably not have sought reconciliation with God. Had I built the dream we shared, I would be selling a business now, not living alone, writing, praying, blessing, and consoling others.
Had I been successful selling my photography, paintings, and writing, I would not have had to sell my home and move into a 60-year-old house trailer and be able to see life on ground level with other people who struggle day in and day out, figuring out ways to buy gas and feed the animals.
Had I been supported and encouraged by others in my career, I would probably hold a high level government position now…not doing ‘God work’ and helping others figure out how to tell the truth about climate change and to serve the poor and needy when and if the bureaucracy is destroyed.
I know what it is like to be abused and neglected…and to abuse and neglect. I know what it is like to look back on my life with guilt and horror. I know what it is like to be lost, confused, and full of anger, doubt, and resentment. I know what it is like to fail. I know what it is like to look to God and imagine Him turning His back…looking remarkably like someone else I knew when I was a child. I know what it is like to want to die by my own hand.
I know what it is like…to live this life…
…and that is why.
President Trump is intent on busting up bureaucracies and destroying regulations. Before you protest, think. Have you ever been hampered by a governmental rule, limit, or regulation when attempting to further your causes? Although your interests and values may run opposite to Trump’s, you can benefit from his actions and momentum.
Here are some strategies I have recommended to local resistance movements:
When the regulations are dropped, push things through. Don’t wait. In the confusion, much ground can be gained.
Can you benefit from a reduction in ethics rules? For example, government employees are (or were when I was an employee) restricted from accepting fees for public speaking. If similar regulations get dropped, how can you benefit? What have you been prevented from doing because it may be misconstrued as being unethical? Are there people, agencies, or groups you can approach now that were off-limits before? Is there information or other assistance you can get now that was not accessible or was too-classified before?
What benefits, that Trump intends for the wealthiest few, can we get in line for? What about asking the wealthiest few to pass along to the needy what has now been lost. Are there members of the wealthiest 2% that support the weak, disabled, uneducated, marginalized, or poorly tended to? Would the wealthiest tech billionaires consider devoting the money and benefits that they will soon gain, by way of Trump deregulation, to (continue and further) the efforts to provide internet, cell phone, and digital information access to the poorest communities? Has anyone asked them to?
When bureaucracies are busted up, other agencies my be able to address issues (particularly if there is a law stating that said issue must be addressed) without lots of limits yet in place. For example, in the late 1990s and early 2000s, the White House was restricted in what it could put on the internet (long approval processes) but a branch of NOAA had no such restrictions, hence my posting of data and analyses supporting VP Gore’s briefings on climate change. When we lose a government service due to the loss of an agency, try a work around. Ask someone else.
Will limits and restrictions on what is considered a non-profit be reduced or dropped? The ruling that political statements and endorsements cannot be made from a pulpit (because it calls into question a church’s non-profit standing) is going to be, or has been, dropped. Go to it. Start preaching from pulpits. Get church endorsements for legislation or community action. Take up collections for causes during the service. Both sides get to play by the change in rules.
Going back to capital punishment in schools may possibly be addressed. What works when kids act out? Is there a method that really works? Solitude? Time alone with music or inspirational messages? Counseling? If school prayer is implemented, then try also school meditation. What about proposing teaching kindness as a required subject in schools? What about courses on cooperation and success? When they push pledging allegiance to the flag, make sure they emphasize “with Liberty and Justice for ALL.”
Play their game. Use their changes. Call it ‘Resistance Aikido.’
This morning, I asked, “Is there a way to pray the shallow into being more deep? Is there a way to pray the transformation of others?”
I’m finishing up The Wisdom Way of Knowing by Cynthia Bourgeault. Re-reading the paragraph I finished with last night, I read just now
…once your being has become inwardly gentled and peaceable, those qualities of aliveness will flow out to others as a spontaneous healing and delight.
Bingo: Divine Compassion. (As always, thank You.)
The rate at which I have matured in my faith and knowing over the past year is a bit scary. Does it signal the end times of my life…or the end times, in general? Regardless, I am blessed…deeply and profoundly blessed. I am not done, however, but being open to this divine education is such a different place. All of my life, I have been guided along this path with bread crumbs of wisdom. I can look back now and see where I drifted (or bolted) off of the path…and why. But I am here, now…intentionally present…and available.
In order for the cosmos to function properly, human beings need to grow into their own hearts. An inner yes is all it takes. Once the willingness to begin takes over in you, whatever you need will come to you. And you’ll be able to recognize it.
There is no bad place to begin. Simply open your heart and ask, trusting that the gift will come. Do what you can where you are. And be alert for the next step. However it leads you, your heart will know the way home.
Many of us have been praying and struggling to pray for our president…courageous, heart-grinding prayers. See Susan Irene Fox’s wisdom on the matter. I think our prayers have been answered.
This morning through NPR: First Lady Melania Trump has decided to keep the garden Michelle Obama started as part of a campaign to encourage kids to eat vegetables.
Look, dams can break from a crack in the wall. Windows can be opened by placing a seed under a screw and adding a bit of water. The behavior and demeanor of a wife will influence the husband. And there is nothing more grounded in reality than a woman with garden soil on her hands and knees.
Let’s all pray for Melania.
photo and further info from the Washington Post
“45% of GOP voters believe God helped Trump get elected”
God helps me write. God helps me progress on my spiritual path. God helped Joseph’s brothers get him to Egypt.
I write from where I am spiritually to other people where they are spiritually. I have a ways to go; we all do.
President Trump’s actions and statements are jolting people from despondency and complacency. That’s good.
President Trump’s actions and statements are prompting people on spiritual paths to ramp up their practices. That’s good.
President Trump’s actions and statements are encouraging people to pray. That’s good.
President Trump’s actions and statements are causing people to think things through, to consider the consequences of their actions and comments, to consider who is ‘us’ and who is ‘them.’
“What you meant for harm, God means for good.”
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
That’s from Genesis.
Jesus said that the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.
Open your ears.
On my former blog, The View from 5022, I wrote about making necessary adjustments to one’s life and efforts by using the analogy of sailing. The post is titled “Coming About.” A few nights ago, I performed the equivalent of pumping out the bilge, trimming the sails, and charting a new course.
To continue with that analogy, since the end of last year, I have experienced stalls, squalls, and I’ve run aground a few times. But more recently, there have been breaks in the clouds and a freshening breeze. When I crawled into bed Monday night, I knew there was much to be thankful for but, because of all of it, I felt a bit battered. I grabbed a pen and the closest thing to write on, a prayer and praise journal (which was fitting), and made an assessment of the gains and the losses.
I had been struggling for months with a particular Canadian-born bank which had mismanaged my account and reversed a payment to the IRS, costing me hundreds of dollars in penalties, fees, and increases in interest. The government consumer protection agency and the senator’s office helping me with the issue informed me Monday that the issue is being dropped. To stay upset would only hurt me. I tossed the issue over-board.
Inspired by the marches on Saturday, I enthusiastically volunteered my services to the senator’s office and was told someone might be in touch…at some point…maybe. Issue tossed.
Since just after Christmas, I have written (actual letters on actual note cards in actual cursive handwriting) to 9 friends and family members. None of them have responded. Looking for addresses of others to write to, I came across an old phone list. On it was the name of a former doctor who, earlier last year, had been enduring cancer treatments and surgery, a long time friend who, earlier last year, had been reeling from the emotional blow of retirement, and a former coworker, from 2001 time-frame, who was likely concerned about the future of her career with a governmental climate science agency. I made the calls and was met with instant re-connection, filling my emotional sails with billowed hopes.
These issues and more were lined up down both sides of the pages like small fishing skiffs bobbing in the waves…but there was something else still disturbing me…
Last Summer, when preoccupied with my sister’s arrival from Alaska, I stopped attending the small Episcopal church on the other side of town. Driving by there late last month, I saw on their marquee a notice about an oyster roast. On Saturday, I noticed the date had been changed to this weekend. I called. I volunteered to help. However, I was informed that the priest I had known there had died, suddenly, in December. (I wrote about several of his homilies last year. See “To the Extent that One is Forgiven, One is Capable of Loving” and “What I Didn’t Know.”) He was one of the few people who has believed my inner experience of God. (Father B: “You help me because you are able to hear what it is I am trying to say.”) Recalling that he was now gone from earth, my enthusiasm was suddenly becalmed; I felt more alone on earth than I had before.
My faith and beliefs have come under attack, recently, by bloggers from opposite ends of the religious spectrum. On the one hand, there are the bloggers who hold that all people should believe xyz, strictly and immediately. (I respond that each person should be allowed and encouraged to be where they are on their spiritual path to God; at least they are on the path and God is not done with them yet.) On the other, there are those who hold a larger view but accuse me of insisting that mine is the only way. (I am out of words with that one; My way is MY WAY and I offer it as an example…nothing more.)
At the same time, ironically, I have discovered that there is a spiritual path…a Christian path…with followers who hold the same beliefs I do. Although I have come to my beliefs, faith, and inner life the hard way, having found them, I sought to join them. It seems, however, that although they acknowledge my interest, I have been excluded apparently because I lack the expected background and education. So, I will continue on my own, navigating by the heavens and sailing ‘solo.’
The course I am left with is a simpler one, lacking an itinerary with specified destinations. It is more a way of sailing: trusting in the guiding stars (Jesus and the communion of saints) and the breeze on my face. Watching the tell tail, testing the wind, keeping an eye on the horizon (and the channel markers),…this is the stuff of life.
(I borrowed the image above from the web)
Today's Teachable Moment 